The image of the stereotypical male chaser is well established as something fairly fetishistic, but as someone in no way visibly trans, I’m much more likely to run into lefty people who effectively chase people for what they’re seen to represent, and that tends to make me pretty angry (and what I’ve written a couple posts on prior to this).

I guess where I’m trying to go with this is that I do detest people assuming that I’m going to have to have some particular experience on characteristic purely because I’m trans - but at the same time, I recognise that sometimes that can lead to actual shared experiences and such that may well make things work a whole lot better. In the case you gave, I’d likely someone taking an interest in *me* because of some assumed shared experience about being brought up as a boy both offensive and misguided - for I remember very little of those years, and they never had the sort of influence on my development that some cispeople might imagine. If anything, I’ve found that I’ve been inclined to find that sort of commonality with cis dykes who had the same trouble with coming out young and taking serious crap from family, friends, schools, etc. So anyone thinking that they’re going to find some sort of understanding there because I’m trans is just going to be disappointed, and I’m going to be a bit irritated with them for making the assumption otherwise.

At the same time, sometimes my being trans does create a serious commonality, and features of my personality which have in fact been affected by being trans might play into people’s attraction in a way that’s really quite fine. That’s what I found with the person who sparked this post: not only were some serious commonalities there (things like understanding body dysphoria in particular), but…it’s hard to explain, but I guess an understanding, an experience of gender variance as well - but a respect of the fact that I’m very firmly binary identified.

As for the last question, as someone who is, for the next few months at least, pre-surgery, well, no offense, I’m inclined to view people who’d rule me out as a potential partner alone on that basis as a bit assholish; it is, in a very real way, ungendering me, subconsciously viewing my gender through the sole lens of my genitalia. Even post-surgery, I can say now that any partner who tells me they wouldn’t have dated me before it is likely to wind up getting promptly shitcanned. It’s not something I’ve come across much, but I think I’d struggle to even have a friend who viewed transpeople in that way.

There’s a second thing there, as well. As someone who is pre-surgery, I have epic body issues (as in, basically, just don’t go there) which anyone who I’m in a romantic relationship before that time is going to have to work around if they want it to be a sexual one too. It feels to me as if there’s some uncomfortable unexamined examinations of there as to what a romantic relationship with a pre-surgery transwoman might represent/consist of.

Thanks for your responses, anyway: I’ve been thinking about the two comments you left for a few days, and had been meaning to respond a lot earlier. I’m a big fan of your blog, so I’m pretty thrilled you actually commented on mine!

(The above said merely for background, as i haven’t commented here before)

I have often considered that a trans woman would be an ideally compatible partner for me, not because of a particular attraction to any “typical” physical characteristics of trans women, but because the shared experience of having been brought up as a “boy” while not actually being a (neurotypical) boy would enable a trans woman to understand me in ways that most cis women wouldn’t. (My best friend of the past 5 years, who is very happily in a long term relationship, is a trans woman, and the parallels between our childhood experiences are incredible to the point of spookiness.)

I don’t know if this could be seen as “fetishising” the experience of trans-ness, or just as empathy with it (for me, the boundary between strong empathy and sexual attraction is a very blurred one anyway, especially if the person is attractive - which may be problematic in itself)…

The other thing that troubles me slightly is that, for me to have a serious sexual relationship with a trans woman, she would have to be post-op, because i don’t think i could have a serious sexual relationship with anyone who didn’t have (and like having) a vagina. I don’t know whether that is transphobic of me, and whether i should “work on” that…

(I have heard that some of the men who fetishize trans women specifically fetishize pre-op trans women, and lose interest once they have had bottom surgery. This, i have no understanding of at all…)

Anyway, thanks for blogrolling me, and apologies for any rambliness or accidental use of inaccurate/inappropriate terminology…

I’d gotten very wary about any sort of alliances between binary-identified transpeople and well, anyone much else, until QC. I’d had too many experiences of people not treating my transness with any sort of respect, and in turn undermining the possibilities for any sort of mutual activist work. I break genderqueer and trans apart for a reason, although there’s definitely an area of crossover: the fact is that folks who want to live between the lines, and folks who want their binary gender respected, neither necessarily a) have anything in common, or b) get in the slightest where the other is coming from, as with the incident of transphobia we had at QC. I’ve always thought that it makes more sense to reflect the two as seperate groups which may well ally due to similar experiences, and which may see a range of people belong to both.

I don’t even know that it’s necessarily about being seen as being a sellout anymore; it’s more that, with my anxiety, I have a limited ability to throw myself into causes, and if possible, I’d rather not work with Bastard People. When it comes down to it, I still don’t give a damn what said Bastard People think, but it does undermine the possibilities for mutual collaboration.

It is about respectfulness, no doubt (and not the overly solicitious “you’re just like other girls” thing that leads you to see they believe you are in fact NOT).

My gf has never made me feel fetishised or erased. My transness is there acknowledged, but it doesn’t de-gender me. That’s what’s important I think, if you are binary-identified.

I agree, there can (should?) be alliances between trans and genderqueer people (though I tend to think of genderqueer as being part of a broad transgender umbrella, the distinction you’ve made is interesting, but I’ll go with it). We’ve got a lot in common, I mean, a lot of transsexual people spend at least some time as visibly queer, and some of us stay there.

Of course, I don’t really want to take shit from someone for being a sellout or whatever, and have had some of the same bad experiences as you I think (ie one of my friends appears to have basically stopped talking to me since I started presenting as vaguely normatively female)

I also covered the whole “stealth is good for some people, not for others, nothing wrong with it, it’s not like being closeted, visibility rox but we don’t all need to be visible all the time” deal because that’s really fundamental stuff that’s been discussed in, like, every trans group on LJ.

I didn’t really have time to go into as much detail as I would have liked in just one hour anyway, so I didn’t bother talking about much genderqueer-specific stuff.

I’ll put my notes on the internet somewhere one of these days if you’re interested.